Superhuman Listening Skills

Active listening is considerate, reflective and empathetic. It goes beyond simply listening to the words someone is saying. When we listen actively or empathically, we pay close attention to their words, their tone, their body language, and what is not being said. We are seeking to understand not only their words, but also the feelings that they are expressing. We’re also paying attention to how this affects us and reflecting back what we’re hearing to confirm our understanding. 

5 Superhuman Listening Skills:

• Summarising and reflecting – A lot of tension in conversations comes from people not feeling heard, and they hold their breath in anticipation of this. This can be avoided by briefly summarizing what someone has said or by reflecting back to them what you heard them say and you will often see them visibly relax as they realise you’re really listening.
• Allowing someone to share more – we’re so accustomed to the conversation going back and forth, we naturally limit what we have to say. When we give someone more space, they can often get to the heart of the issue for themselves. Simply ask, “is there more?”
• Sharing impact – this allows us to show where we resonate with what someone is sharing which builds rapport. This is also a form of reflection – we’re reflecting the emotion, not just the words they’re using. A sentence stem you could use here is “The time I felt you the most was…”
• The power of asking for advice and only giving it when asked. Often people don’t need advice – they can figure it out on their own. And it’s wonderful to be able to give the kind of support someone has actually asked for, rather than what you might incorrectly think they need.
• Sharing appreciation – another form of reflection, this time we’re noticing and reflecting someone’s qualities and motivations. We pick up on a surprising amount about people in a short space of time and it’s a gift to share this back with them. You could try using the sentence stem “what I think I get about you is…” or “I really appreciate ‘this’ about you”.

Partner Exercise - The Empathy Game

Time: 30 minutes

Setup: Sit opposite your partner and decide who’s going first – that’s partner A. You will need a device to time each round.

This won’t sound like a normal conversation and that’s okay. The idea here is to help you practice the skills in a safe container before taking them out and using them in the wild. Do keep to the timings.

Partner A is going to share first about a situation in life right now that is important to you. Partner B, your job is to listen actively – look at the person opposite as the most important thing in your world right now. Give them the gift of your attention.

Round 1: Partner A shares about the situation (3 minutes)
Round 2: B reflect, same words or summary (1 minute)
Round 3: A shares more or clarifies any important piece that was missed (3 minutes)
Round 4: B share how you were impacted by your partner using sentence stem “The time I felt you the most was…” (1 minute)
Round 5: Partner B asks Partner A “What is an obstacle for you in this situation?”. Partner A has 2 minutes to share.
Round 6: Partner B asks Partner A “Do you want advice?”. If A says yes, B gives advice. If A doesn’t want advice, A gives themselves advice (1 minute). Partner A, you do NOT have to have advice if you don’t want it.
Round 7: B shares appreciation for Partner A using the sentence stem “What I think I get about you is…” (1 minute)

Thank your partner and swap over. At the end, you might like to share how that was for you. How did you find listening? What was it like to share and be heard?